Can't now, gotta run

Week 13: Tired, bored, and a bit burned out. Excited for 46 days to go, hopeful for a PR, and ready to sleep in on a weekend.

It's here. The late training slump. The race is too far away to dream of the taper period - lots of miles to go yet and the mind games have set in. What's really messing with my mind is the time. Time is so precious. We can't earn more, like money, can't hoard it as we do our possessions, and once it's gone, it's gone. And for everything that training has given me, what it has taken is my time.

Looking back on this summer, I see Friday evening bbqs, bonfires and happy hours turned down, because I was getting up before 5:00 am on Saturday to run. We did not join our dock mates on any Saturday beach days because I couldn't drag myself down to the dock in time to go. I needed time to recover, rest, and get myself together before I could go to the beach. Seriously - my long runs were leaving me too burned out to go to the beach.

Need more of this, please

In reality, my life has turned into chaos and the only thing that is getting done is running. The laundry has become Mt. Washmore and only gets climbed when I can't find socks or underwear. Consequently, there are piles of clean running clothes on the couches and chairs and dirty running clothes in the baskets and bathroom. I try to sneak a top for work into my gym clothes occasionally.

Mike cleans the kitchen when I drag myself to the stove to cook. It's usually far too late to cook - either because I ran after work and I'm starting to make dinner at 7:30 pm or I went to the store and am getting a late start having woken up at 5:00 am to run before work. I'm trying desperately to make use of the produce from our Farmer's Market CSA, but I have lost my will to chop and make new things. There are 3 dozen eggs waiting to be used. So feeling exhausted, I'll boil some noodles, heat sauce and make spaghetti. It doesn't fix anything: there's still produce languishing in the fridge, more dirty dishes, and I'm not full cause I didn't make a "real" meal.

Laundry and cooking/dishes are really the only essentials being touched upon. I've basically let everything else go for the last 3 months, accumulating piles here and there of shoes, mail, just random stuff. My bangs are in my eyes and don't look at my brows - I need to get to the salon and haven't managed an appointment in a month since I noticed this. Hurricane Jamie has hit land. Send in the relief team.

What I don't get is how the rest of you do it. The moms and dads with school aged (or younger) kids. The people with multiple jobs. Heck, those of you who train more than I do! I'm only working out about 5 days a week, max, with at least 2 of those days being less than 90 minutes. The fact that I can't get my house together, get to the grocery store, make decent meals, find time to eat them, fold and put away my clothes and sleep 8 hours a night is tough. I feel like I should have more time in the day. However, once I sit down, I'm done. I can only watch the Netflix with Mike and Crooks and crawl into bed as soon as it gets dark.

FOMO (Fear of missing out). It's real, guys. Mike and I are doing our training, but I feel like I'm just treading water the rest of the time when I should be enjoying my summer. Or past tense... should have enjoyed my summer. I'm glad October 25th is coming soon. I'm excited that I have some fun things scheduled like Irish Festival and MSU football games. I'm nervous that adding any extra activity, even something fun, will be enough to push me over the edge... but I'm hanging in there.

I'm taking the night off from running and will be prepping meals for the rest of the week (goal: use 1 dozen eggs), folding at least one basket of clothes and going to bed by 10 pm. Baby steps.

Maybe I'm Amazed

It's been pretty quiet here in Find Your Awesome-land. Fear not - I'm still chugging away at the training and pounding the pavement. With 8 weeks to go, I'm well over halfway through my marathon training and am feeling the pinch on my time, energy and mental strength.

But an AWESOME thing happened just a week ago and while it adjusted my training a bit, it was so worth it. I was able to check off "run a trail half marathon" from by 40x40 bucket list. While it is something I was interested in, it was really made by having Kari and Mike by my side.

A year ago, Kari suggested we sign up for the North Country Trail Race, a half-marathon in the Manistee National Forest. The sign-ups opened for the 2015 race on the day after the 2014 race. As I sat in my living room forking over $75, Mike says, "why don't you sign me up too?" Mike was not a runner. In August 2014, he was not even walking much. So I turned that $75 into $150 and it was settled. It was a secret - for awhile. Then it started to trickle out. Mike started walking with the Run Muskegon group in the fall and doing some run/walking.

Fast Forward to spring. A long winter with lots travel and busy schedules. I did a crash course to train for the Bayshore Half Marathon and Mike took to the streets again to start training. After Memorial Day and Bayshore came and went we realized how close NCT really was. By this time I had, of course, already committed to Marine Corps Marathon as well - meaning I couldn't focus all my attention on the trails.

Professional help was needed. We joined the Gazelle Sports Summer Run Camp in Grand Rapids. The Summer Safari program in Kalamazoo in 2013 helped me get to the finish line and I needed the support now to get through 4 months of training, especially when I don't have someone my pace who is training for a marathon. So we signed up and got started the first week of June.

The last three months have been some of the best of my life. Training for a long distance race is not easy and it can be very difficult on your loved ones. It takes on a new dimension when that person is training with you. Starting with the spring melt, we ran short distances together in the evenings, as Mike started with a 2:00 minute run/2:00 minute walk interval. He because a regular at Run Muskegon on Wednesdays. To prep for North Country's challenging terrain, we started running on Tuesdays at Hoffmaster State Park. I think he hated me a little, when I made sure we always ran down a dune to see the water and the evening sun. After all, what goes down must come up. When I was too tired to talk on Monday nights, he promised me that we'd catch up on the trail the next day. Our own dirty, sweaty, buggy date night.

When we started the long runs for Summer Run Camp, my distances increased at an accelerated pace, quickly rising into the double digits. However, I found comfort in starting out together, having timed walk breaks in warm up miles and chugging along, often silent. One of my difficulties in 2013 was completing my mid-week runs and cross-training. Having a real, live, in-home training partner has upped my accountability. I've been hitting most of my mid-week runs, going to yoga, and we bike almost every Saturday evening after our long run. The difference in my pace and comfort level is evident. The results were clear on August 22nd.

Kari, Mike and I headed to Wellston after work to the Big M Trailhead. We really didn't know what to expect, but when we picked up our race packets FULL of swag and saw the fun atmosphere at the site, we knew were in for a good time. A quick jaunt back to Manistee for dinner and sleep and Saturday morning we were ready. It was my 5th half marathon, Kari's 9th (I think) and Mike's first. His only race other than the Seaway Run 5k in June. The place was jumping with music, a bonfire, flags from every state represented and people just sitting out having a great time. We decided to all stick together and run/walk as we felt comfortable. With the hills, we probably couldn't keep any kind of interval, at least not for long.

Trying to get a 6'2" and 5'2" person in the same selfie

The camaraderie on the trail was fantastic. We nicknamed ourselves and everyone around us the "Mullets: Party in the Back" and learned everyone's names, where they were from, sang happy birthday to someone, cheered on the marathoners as they passed us, took selfies, the works. I've never had a better race. Kari, although not trained, was holding herself back some to stick with us because it was just more fun together. Mike and I had the rare opportunity to run with the 10:30 pace group from our Summer Run Camp. Everyone was going slow and having a good time, so we were able to hang together for several miles and get to know them better. We were holding a good pace, slightly faster than expected, but not burning ourselves out. We had heard the back of the course was challenging, especially as you're tired, so we kept it measured and took good breaks at the aid stations. Oh the aid stations! Water, electrolytes, pretzels, fresh fruit, medical attention, wonderful service and more! Just phenomenal!

So fast we're blurry.

As we rounded the last few miles we saw some confusing flags that looked to lead us straight up and then down a hill. Cranky Jamie starts swearing under her breath and then we reach to top to this sight:

Don't slow down for a picture - you might not win!

A beautiful overlook of the valley below - a photo opp if I ever saw one. And yes, everyone was taking advantage of it. So we paused, took in the view, and then headed down the hill - me freewheeling like a kid running down a dune. Thinking we had far longer to go, we could hear the roar of the crowd. We held back a little as we didn't want to burn out with 2 miles to go. But never trust Garmin in the woods. We rounded a corner and were surprised by the finish. We were MORE surprised when we were told to finish then and not do the extra 1 mile lap. That was just for the marathoners. But, but... Garmin says we only ran 12.2. Nope. There's the finish. So we made the most anti-climatic, confused 30 yard run for the finish and were done! 3:32! Right at our goal time and feeling good and ready to party!

That's some bling right there!

While I've completed a number of big races that left me feeling emotionally drained, I don't know if I can explain what this one meant. There was the standard relief it was over, sense of accomplishment, fear for my toenails, having to pee, but that's not what it really was. I was and still am so proud of Michael and everything he did to get to this point. He never said he couldn't do it. He has pushed me to be a better runner. He's been my partner in getting up early, eating late, trying to find socks, and "suck it up and get it done." He picked an incredibly difficult target and met it and signed up on Monday to do it again. Heck, he's already signed up to do another half marathon this fall. There are no words for how amazed I am.

Wow.

And with that, we feasted, drank beer, congratulated our new found trail buddies and went for a swim in the river. Best damn day.

Second Verse, Same as the First

Two years ago I started this blog and announced that I would be running the 2013 Marine Corps Marathon. It was going to be the best, most epic thing EVER. I would raise a ton of money for my charity, finally get that awesome runner's body I've been chasing for two decades, and I would be... a MARATHONER. You all were there, you remember.

Well... it happened. Some of it. I raised a ton of money for the Epilepsy Therapy Project (now merged with the Epilepsy Foundation of America). I did not get sleek and slim. I had some athletic mishaps and personal setbacks that made the training difficult and frustrated the hell out of me. But I did finish. And it was epic. And I felt like a "person who completed a marathon" not a MARATHONER.

Normally I hem and haw and over think before making big decisions. Especially decisions that will affect how I spend  5-20 hours a week for the next 6 months. Then there are times when I see a facebook post pop up that says "Fall in. MCM Lottery concludes today at noon eastern!" I read this at 11:12 am. I texted Kari who said "go for it, but I'm not in... I'm still deciding if I'm doing a marathon this year."

So I clicked to the Marine Corps Marathon website, created a profile, thought for 30 more seconds and with 42 minutes left in the lottery, I gave them my credit card info and clicked ENTER. Judging from the number of people complaining they didn't get in last year, I figured about 2 - 3x more people entered than were slots available. I have no idea the actual odds, because I woke up 2 days later to this:

Oh. Crap.

So I texted Kari roughly the same message, with more profanity. Forward Mike the email with the message "did you know your girlfriend is an idiot?" Oh yeah... I didn't tell him I was entering the lottery. His response: "Well, looks like we're going to DC this year." He later agreed that I'm an idiot (in the most loving way possible).
Mike brought up some good points: would I have fun running if I didn't have anyone to experience it with? Didn't I want to do another marathon in a different city? Well, here's the thing - what's done is done, in more than one way. I entered and won the lottery - the first and only lottery I've ever won. Also, there is something to be said for doing a race a second time. You have an idea of how it works, where to go, where the bathrooms are, how long you walk from the staging area to the start line, what 25,000 runners feels like, etc. By not being overwhelmed by all the new stuff as a first time marathoner and my first time at the MCM, I will have a different (and hopefully more successful) race.

So there it is - 2 weeks before my 35th birthday and I got my present. A credit card receipt for over $100 for a race I'm not so sure about. And a summer filled with running. So the question is - who's up for the long runs? Cause I can't do it alone.

Time is on my side

Sometime in 2013, a rash of "40 before 40" lists popped up with my friends, inspired by my great friend and Platonic Life Partner (and bad idea bear) Kari Kidrowski. I usually hate these things - sorry all friends who wrote kickass lists. I'm not sure why, but they've never quite appealed to me yet. And yet, I was driving home from Kalamazoo a few weekends ago and I found myself daydreaming about what would be on my list.

I'm coming up on 35 in April, and I've got some good things on the horizon, but I think there are plenty left to be accomplished. I reserve the right to add, delete, edit, censor or chuck this list altogether. Would you expect anything else?

1. Travel to Europe Boom! Done, Dec 26, 2014 - Jan 4, 2015

2. Roast a turkey successfully

3. Run a 10:00/mile. Just one. :)

4. Read Ulysses (I faked my way through a test on it in undergrad. It's time to read it) 

5. Can fruits and veggies for our own pantry

6. Run another marathon in another city

7. Start to learn Spanish

8. Learn to play a new instrument (piano? guitar? bass guitar?)

9. Censored

10. Brew my own beer

11. Learn to do a headstand

12. Finally take that vacation to the Bahamas 

13. Run a trail half marathon Done! 8-22-2015, North Country Trail

14. See Paul McCartney in concert (on deck, October 17, 2015)

15. Redacted

16. See Troy, Jessica and the kids more than once a year.  An annual goal, but managed it in 2015

17. Have a 30 day running streak November 27 - December 26, 2014

18. Uhh yeah... no

19. Try out for a local theater production

20. Run a sub-2:30 half marathon

21. Finally meet some of Mike's Navy friends that we haven't visited together

22.Create a living will/advance directive - encourage family members to do the same

23. Become a proficient and confident swimmer

24. Super Secret ;)

25. Vacation at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter! April 2015!

So I only got to 25, even after letting this sit for a few weeks. I'll add more as I they come to me - hopefully not everything will be an athletic pursuit. I think 5 1/2 years is enough time to get most of this done. Really, I just need one AWESOME running year and I'll knock several out.

Holiday Run Streak is in progress!

Excuses, excuses

No excuses. It's an interesting phrase that gets tossed around in running - especially in conjunction with inspirational stories of overcoming adversity, disability and extraordinary circumstances. It's framed as - if the guy who lost a leg can run a marathon, what's your excuse? This person lost 100 pounds by running, sensible eating and the POWER OF GREYSKULL. Why can't you get it together?

PS: I want to be She-Ra

These stories, meant to be inspiring and empowering, can come off as stress-inducing or guilt-trippy. Especially if you're like me and find yourself clumsily falling into a shame spiral at a moment's notice.

But that's not the point - it isn't a contest of who has faced the biggest challenge and TRIUMPHED!!! but rather an individual, day to day quest to get a little better and a little stronger.

After the Bayshore Half Marathon over Memorial Day weekend, I found myself with the incredible pain, moving from site to site on my lower body. It started with knee pain from pre-Bayshore that subsided after I completely stopped running for two weeks. It then migrated to shooting pain in my hips, making sitting, laying, sleeping and of course RUNNING, out of the question. As I started physical therapy, it seems that lower back weakness and inflammation may be the real culprit. I've now spent a pretty penny on x-rays and PT co-pays and have missed out on the first half of summer running.

And the voice inside of me says: a little back pain and you can't run? Why aren't you cross-training more? Getting your diet in order?

Answer: I don't know.



So I've found myself nearly back at square one with running and weighing the most I have in about 5 years.

The good news is, my body hasn't forgotten everything. I'm able to run 3 miles pretty easily and I'm ready to start upping my distance to 4 or 5 miles for "long" runs and continue maintain one or two days of short running during the week.

As for my pace, well... that was never much to brag about to begin with. So in an effort to honor my body for its abilities instead of putting myself down for my limitations, I've boldly embraced the title of Pace Group Leader for 12:30 minute/mile (and up) in our Moms Run This Town group runs. Why fuss over how slow I am when I can help a new or slow runner feel welcome? I know how lonely the back of the pack can be, so the tortoises need to stick together!

Moms Run This Town Group Run 7/28/14

So now it's time to keep on keeping on, get back on the horse, cause it ain't over til the fat lady sings and this is where the rubber meets the road. 

(Are these cliches doing it for you? I could do this all day. Beggars can't be choosers, you know.)

Running against the wind

Double digits is always a mental barrier. When you're a kid, turning 10 is, like, the hugest thing ever. When you're a newbie runner, crossing from running 7 or 8 miles to 10 MILES is huge. And while I've run 10+ miles many times, the first time back after a long layoff always screws with your mind.

But there I found myself on Saturday morning. 10 miles on the schedule and no real way to weasel out of it. I started my "10 week half-marathon training plan" a week late, so it is already beyond crunch time. I woke up in plenty of time, but my belly felt sour and I was dragging. Suppose it's time to remember to eat like a runner on Friday nights - instead of fried perch, tater tots and beer. I texted the group to go on without me - I'd go later on my own. After another 90 minutes of sleep, I got ready and headed to the lake.

10 miles. First double digits since the Marine Corps Marathon.

By the time I was ready and actually setting off, it was 11:00 am. The morning sun was fading. It was warm and breezy - around 60 degrees. It was rough going. I stopped several times in the first few miles. My feet hurt, my calves were cramping, I just needed a break. 

I was playing "the game" for the first several miles. 

"I have to run farther than last week (7 miles), so I need to do at least 3.5 for the out and back. Well, just a 5 or 6 mile run would be enough to make the day worth it, right? Ok, Grand Trunk is about 2 miles. Once I get there, I can stop again and go to the bathroom if I need to. Ok, you could always turn around at mile 4 and have 8 done." 

After 2 miles, I was on the bike path and away from the road. The sky started threatening rain and the wind whipped up. So the inner monologue changed. "Just get to the Y (about mile 4.5). Then if it's storming, you can have Mike pick you up. Or you could turn around there for 9. What are you? An IDIOT??? Run 4.5 miles and not 5??"

Between the 3 and 4 mile marks, I came across the first creeper of the season. Apparently the middle-aged creeps like it when the weather is warm enough for runners to only wear t-shirts and shorts. I knew I looked good as a sweaty, cranky mess, but it's always nice to hear it from someone who then asks where you're running to and how much farther you have to go. Umm... I'm going anywhere you aren't, buddy.

I made it past the YMCA and continued on to Heritage Landing and the Mart Dock for the 5 mile mark. Although the 2 podcasts I'd been listening to were interesting (Ask Me Another and Very Bad Wizards - about ethics and psychology, NOT Harry Potter), they weren't keeping my mood up and feet moving. Time to get out of my head and turn the tunes on. The Pitch Perfect soundtrack hit the spot as I turned around to head back. The hard part was over. Mentally, I only had to run 5 miles. Then it was just getting back.

The way back felt easier too, even though my body was struggling. A hot spot started to form on my right arch and my shoulders and neck were tensing up. The sky continued to look ominous as a few drops teased here and there, the wind picking up. But my pace was better, my mood was better, and I was only taking one minute walking break per mile. 

As I counted down, 3 miles to go, 2.5 miles to go, the rain started coming in fatter drops. The trail ended and put me back on the sidewalk in Lakeside with 2 miles to go. I plodded along, 1.5 miles to go. The blasted wind of Muskegon Lake that always blows in your face, no matter what direction you run. At 1 mile, I picked up the pace and the rain did too. I ran up the final hill in Bluffton, straining to see the big lake at the end. Pushing to the top, OAR blasting "it was a crazy game of poker," I lifted my face into the rain, and reached 10 miles.

Boom. Barrier broken.

Beautiful day for a run!

Here Comes the Sun

Did you think I forgot about you all? I'll admit, it's been a dark, dismal, lazy winter.

It's been a long, cold lonely winter.

I thought it was rough running last winter - I was a fool - FOOL! In 2013, the phrase "Polar Vortex" was not in my vocabulary, and I had never experienced a cold day (vs. snow day) off of work, and did not remember was -25 wind chill felt like. After four solid months of dreary cold, I'm a sadder but wiser girl. And slower and fatter.

But enough of that. Daylight savings time has arrived, removing one of the obstacles to outdoor running - dark. And it may crack 45 degrees here today. So begins the season of snowmelt. Snowmelt is really just code for flooding, but it does mean that every day we see a little more pavement and a little less dingy, dirty snow.

Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

What makes this year different from last is that my first scheduled race is Memorial Day weekend instead of April 6th, so I'm not in training trouble yet. I have another year of running under my belt, so there's a little less fear of the "getting back into it" this time around. However, I have some additional extracurricular responsibilities that will force me to be more structured in my scheduling if I want to get my workouts done. The time I spend as the Michigan Jaycees District 2 Director may take away from some of those lazy Saturday "I'll run when I feel like it" mornings. I also spend more time in my car and eating at restaurants, which can be a recipe for weight gain. But no worries...

Running Jamie is back. And I know that it the days of frozen temperatures are not yet behind us. In fact, they will be back within 48 hours. I know that it will probably snow on my birthday.

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun, and I say
It's all right

But today? Today I splash in the icy puddles of the 90+ days of snow on the ground FINALLY melting. Today I tread *more* carefully, because there's nothing more slick that water on top of ice. Today I run in the 6pm sunshine, because I earned it - paid for it with the lost hour of daylight savings time.

Spring is coming.